Losing It

The Growing Pains of a Teenage Vampire

"It's a sight seen countless times along the seafront at Whitby, just one more girl kissing one more vampire" 17 is a difficult age for B.J. Neither his three friends, his secretive family nor Roger, the decor-loving football hooligan, can help him in his search to find himself – and lose his virginity. A darkly comic novel about love, death, sex (and Goths) by the author of The Snake Oil Dickens Man.

This is hilarious! Jaw-dropping and eye-boggling, it’s a desperate account of teenage life and the chaotic ghastly confusions that fill it, chaos fuelled by raging hormonal lust. Ross Gilfillan’s prose is unstoppably funny and his characters are horribly real and familiar to anyone who has ever been an adolescent. I want to read more, but I have to go to bed! ~ Hunt Emerson, international comic book artist

Excerpt

Prologue

I am seventeen years old and I think I am about to have sex for the first time in my life.

Oh. My. God.

‘You’ll have to help me with this,’ she says.

Pink-painted fingernails fiddle with the brass button on the skater jeans Mum got me last Christmas.

‘I can’t get it undone.’

I lie there, skinny chest bared and arms outstretched like I’m about to be crucified.

She sits astride me, her shirt open and her perfect breasts jiggling as she struggles with my flies.

‘Brian,’ she says. ‘What’s the matter with you? Give me a hand here.’

Here we go, I think, and undo the button.

She shuffles down the bed and begins to pull them off. Down they go, over my thighs and knees until all I have on are my Spiderman underpants, which look so cool riding up over my low-slung jeans but look painfully silly right now. I’m staring at a cobweb on the ceiling, not daring to glance down my body at what she must be looking at now. I so want this to happen. I so want to have sex. I want to go back to school with that knowing look that says you’ve finally got your end away. But I know it’s going to come at a price.

The moment that I have always dreaded and wanted at one and the same time has arrived and it is excruciating. She takes the waistband of my Spiderman pants between her slim, cool fingers and begins to pull them down, slowly revealing my long kept and often disguised secret if not to the world, then to the one person in it who matters right now.

Because it’s all a matter of size, you know.

I close my eyes and think of England.

Going down 3-1 to Germany, probably.

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