Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Before

In the late 1990s, I was living and working in Belgium, going through a very difficult marriage. A clash of fundamental values and upbringing were at the core of our problems, and though I can say that my ex-wife and I are now on good terms, being the proud parents of two daughters, it was an extremely challenging time for both of us. In my case, under the cloak and mask of outward serenity and total denial, inside I had utterly lost the sense of who I was, and what I stood for. In truth, we were an incompatible partnership, and the relationship was sadly descending into paralysis. But I can truly say that there are no regrets, I listened to my heart even though I immediately knew our relationship would be demanding, and she has been an important part of my life. We did have good times together, and learned vital lessons about each other. Without her, we would not have our children, and the future connection with Winnie would have been an extremely unlikely scenario, almost certainly out of reach. Some things do appear to happen for a reason ...

I met Winnie Vanderhaegen on my first day at work at a new company, in October 1998. I call this the luckiest day of my life. There were no notable sparks between us in that first encounter. She was friendly, helpful and welcoming, as you would hope from a new colleague. However, looking back on those first moments, I do remember an immediate feeling of trust, and instinctive recognition of a good and true person behind her subtly mischievous smile and mellow, resonant voice.

It would be more than two years later that Winnie Jane (as I mostly called her) and I became a couple. Quite simply, her friendship and then her courage and love saved my life. Having been completely lost, and as low as I've ever been, she somehow could see what I couldn't in myself. My very being had been on the verge of disintegrating but she healed me, and helped to put me back together into a far more positive, confident and truer version of the original. And, as strange and even alien as it may seem, I'm yet stronger after her passing, somehow fortified by her love and belief in me – more to come on this later ...

When in her company, all my senses were somehow heightened and more alert, as if she transferred life energy to me. We shared almost a telepathic understanding of one another's moods, thoughts and needs, so in tune were we. What it feels like to be in love ... she was a priceless 'gift' in so many ways, our paths intersecting at exactly the time when we both needed it most in our lives. Ever since, I feel that our two paths still run together, even now. Honestly, I don't believe it would have been possible for me to find a more beautiful and better matching partner had I met the entire eligible female population on the planet. It felt as though all the events through my life and the thousands of decisions taken and the choices made were designed for me to arrive at that very point to be with Winnie. We both said that we would not have been ready for each other had we met earlier in our lives. Maybe most people would conclude the same about the unique circumstances and timing that brought them together with their partner?

We recognised how lucky we were to have found each other, like we had won the lottery, such a slim chance to be with the one who matches so naturally. My most precious photo of Winnie is also a kind of gift, a reminder of the genesis of our bond. It was taken by a colleague on what I recognised to be the day when the tiniest seed of our future relationship was planted. A day in which something intangible, mysterious and unnerving passed between us on such a subtle, almost subconscious level, like our souls already knew something that we didn't, but we both felt it, I later learned.

One of the most momentous single events of my life was the first time that our hands joined. An energy shock channelled up my arm and through my whole body the moment that my hand found hers. Long hidden treasure had been discovered, a secret code unearthed, an alignment of our beings. The message was deafeningly loud and of overwhelming clarity. In fact, touch was a vital part of our 'recipe' to stay emotionally close during all the years we were together, and often transmitted our feelings better than any words could ever do. When we embraced, I remember the sensation of the connection of our hearts, beating together, bound together, drawn closer by a profound natural magnetism that always remained. A gravitational pull of pure emotion, like planet and moon that had always existed together in harmony. And it still feels like this ...

Winnie was one of those rare people who was admired without jealousy, liked and loved by virtually everyone who met her. She was not just highly intelligent and proficient in everything she did, speaking five languages fluently and with a born perfectionist's discerning eye for detail. She had an amazing innate talent for communicating and bonding with people from all cultures. People naturally felt positive and calm around her, and this allowed her to build wonderful lifelong friendships. Being around her was like getting a fix of 'soul food', she somehow gave you energy, not like some who strip it away by simply being in their presence. Always ready to laugh, I was not the only one to be mesmerised by the smile in her beautifully pure eyes. People were proud to call Winnie a friend, and she was always ready to help in any situation, either in a practical way, or just by listening and talking things through. She touched the fortunate few who knew her, their lives enhanced and changed for the better. She loved to cook for loved ones, a student of world cuisine, a different delicious dish almost every day. As much as she was fascinated by, and had respect for, other cultures, she was a very proud Belgian. In her mind, no other beers came close, and she had a keen sense of indignation when she perceived any unfair slight against her country. And I smile at the memory of her annoyance when, like the UK, Belgium scored poorly (unfairly in her view) in the Eurovision Song Contest!

Winnie Jane was the most generous and committed stepmum and role model, giving up so much of her life in Belgium to be with me and my daughters in England. The girls were truly loved, just like they were her own. Her nature and character were a wondrous, balanced, irresistible blend of kindness and steel, pragmatism and creativity, shyness and competence, wisdom and frivolity, grace and determination, head and heart ...

Winnie's parents were a huge part of her life, and an inspiration to her. They had a wonderfully close and constructive relationship, instilling into their only child the values of respect, hard work, love of family, and appreciation of the everyday things in life. This was very much in common with the relationship I have with my own parents and three brothers. Winnie's papa, Pierre, was an affable, steadying influence full of humour, mischief and wisdom. Nelly, Winnie's mama, is an altogether different character of courage and will, intuition, kindness and the occasional bout of stubbornness. She is also one of the most naturally funny people I've ever had the pleasure to meet. Winnie was brought up as a Catholic, as most children are in Belgium. However, she was not particularly religious and as an adult developed an interest in spiritual and related matters such as karma, life after death, reincarnation, astrology, and dreams. When we occasionally discussed these subjects, she mentioned 'moving to a higher level' a number of times. I admit that at the time, I didn't really understand what this meant, but she has opened my eyes now, as I'll explain in the next chapters.

Even as an adult, Winnie had always lived nearby her parents and was able to see them every day, so it was a painful wrench to leave them to be with me, for which I can never thank her enough. An immeasurable debt of gratitude is also owed to Pierre, when Winnie, unbeknown to me, had some last minute doubts about the wisdom of following her heart down this risky and uncertain path ahead of her. I believe her father saw how happy his beloved daughter was, and selflessly advised in his calm way to take the jump, reassuring her that she could always rebuild her life back in Belgium, should it not work out.

Winnie really did change her life completely to make all this happen, leaving her stable and challenging job in Belgium, driven to work tirelessly on the daunting task of independently finding work in a foreign country. This was so important, not just for her to settle into life in England, but also a vital financial need due to the high maintenance payments I had to honour at the time. Love alone couldn't put food on the table or give our fledgling partnership a fighting chance under such circumstances. Thankfully, all worked out well, and she secured a job before she moved in June 2001, the company that employed her being smart enough to recognise a sparkling and special jewel when they found one. Winnie and I saw her parents as often as we could, the route between Belgium and England becoming a well-travelled journey for the four of us. They spoke daily on the phone to maintain the constant contact that was a feature of their family life.

All through our time together, Winnie and I were always open and honest with each other and ourselves, always sharing our thoughts and concerns when there were problems, learning, adapting and developing in unison. There were plenty of challenges to deal with that threatened to undermine us, mainly borne of frustration from the continuing effects of the strained relationship with my ex-wife. At times, Winnie could have easily decided to quit and return to Belgium, and I would not have blamed her. But she was so courageous and had such positive conviction, sticking by me because we instinctively knew that we belonged together, and our bond was unbreakable, whatever happened to us. Confronting the challenges as one and knowing that we were coming home to each other every day made it all worthwhile.

I saw first-hand how difficult and complex it can be to be a stepmother. So many conflicting internal and external factors and emotions, battling for acceptance, confusion and insecurity never far away. The opposite end of the pendulum's arc told of a different story. The joy of being an integral and constant part of the lives of two girls from very young ages touched her deeply. She took her supporting role and responsibility very seriously, and she was able to be a little more objective than me in many important matters like respect and behaviour. She had a lovely way of providing a calm home environment every weekend when they stayed with us, ensuring that everything ran smoothly: caring, consistent and organised. Winnie always understood and maintained that the girls' interests had to come first, never once complaining about nor regretting the choice she made to be with us. My parents and brothers recognised almost immediately how vital Winnie was to both me and my daughters, and felt they had been gifted with a daughter and sister. A modern day angel ... in one of her notebooks, she wrote, 'I'm grateful to have the girls, and privileged to be able to help them, to show the way.'

When we were first together, Winnie's attitude to marriage was one of apathy. She just didn't see what difference a piece of paper made to a healthy union that already happily existed. However, her outlook changed over time the more settled our lives had become – she had found her home. Four years after arriving in England, in June 2005, Winnie and I were married in a very simple and intimate ceremony. I call this the best single thing that I ever did. It felt so destined, like finally arriving home after embarking on a lifelong quest. The first morning after, emerging from an exquisite slumber beside Winnie as her husband, smiling sleepily to myself as I blinked at my new ring with pride ...

The foundations of our bond were deep and immovable. The bricks used to build our house, sturdy and aligned. Marriage served to bind all this together to create a kind of force field, a belief that we could meet and withstand any challenge that would be encountered. It was heartening to learn that our friends could sense the connection we had too. On the wedding day of a couple who were some of our best friends, they said, 'We want to be like you two!' Another childhood friend, Darren, who is very perceptive, observed, 'It's like you are the same, with no distinct male and female role' (as if we interchange and match so well).

However, no couple can be 'perfect', and there were plenty of mistakes, committed almost exclusively by me, to be truthful. Winnie's standards in almost everything she did were consistently, exasperatingly (and sometimes annoyingly) high. From household chores, cooking a sauce for dinner, planning holidays, and remembering birthdays to major projects at work, she had to give her best, and was not happy if she fell short. Alas, the opportunities for me to redress the balance a little by solemnly but playfully bringing to her attention some small error she had made were incredibly few. Sometimes, she forgot to turn off the shower switch in the bathroom. Hardly a big deal.

Tragically, a devastating change was just around the corner. A matter of five months after the wedding, Winnie's dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Four months later, sadly he was gone, but his dignity, bravery and sense of humour were intact until the end. I can say now that Winnie was never quite the same again. For someone so in touch with her feelings and her mind, she was mostly unable to talk about the shock and pain of losing her dad. She would fall apart if she confronted all the hurt, she told me. It was the one thing that was almost off limits for us. Not a day went by without Pierre touching her thoughts, and she knew that he lived in her, in that they were so alike, not just in character but also their eyes, looking back at her in the mirror every day. However, she wasn't able to share her feelings of grief (in direct contrast to her husband!). On reflection, it's astonishing that for a couple that believed in the afterlife, never once did spirituality enter into the conversations about Pierre, and I often think this was a missed opportunity that could have gone some way to healing Winnie's heart.

Winnie's main concern was her mum, and the mental struggle of not being physically there for her during the darkest and most sombre times. Her parents had been together, also working in their own patisserie, for forty-two years, and had barely spent a night apart in all that time. You could only smile to see them together. Thankfully, Nelly was extremely well cared for by her extended family in Belgium, which was a comforting relief to Winnie. No daughter could have done more to help her mother through the anguish together; it was both touching and bruising to witness their love and shared loss. That was my Winnie, she gave everything of herself ...

For all the years after her dad's passing, Winnie and her mum were in constant contact, dealing as best they could with the dual obstacles of distance and emptiness. On returning home from work, it was traditionally Winnie's first action of the evening to call her mum, aperitif in hand, to discuss the day's happenings, which improved my comprehension of Dutch no end! The passing of time helped them to find more balance and peace, with little bitterness or self-pity, and their mutual love and appreciation grew yet deeper. Winnie had always given so much for the girls and I, motivating me to be equally determined to do the same for her and Nelly – what families are for of course ...

Winnie and I always shared the same philosophy about life, and encouraged the girls to follow our lead – appreciate the little everyday things, and you'll be happy. We took pleasure from every single meal together, a glass of wine, a heart to heart conversation walking in the countryside, Sunday siestas, a beautiful sunrise while driving to work, a kind smile from a stranger ... when things became financially easier, our approach didn't change. And we never felt the need to lavishly celebrate Valentine's Day, mainly because every day together was like a celebration. I sometimes thought to myself, 'If I drop down dead tomorrow, I am so grateful and fortunate to have experienced the most treasured of gifts – true love and happiness in my family life.' Everything was moving in the right direction, and when the time came, we had the longer term plan to retire to Italy, the South of France, or even settle back in Belgium.

(Continues…)

---

Excerpted from "High Love – Still Connected"
by .
Copyright © 2016 Andrew Bentley.
Excerpted by permission of John Hunt Publishing Ltd..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

---