Dear Poppyseed

A Soulful Momma's Pregnancy Journey

John Hunt Publishing Ltd.

CHAPTER 1

Dear Poppyseed,

I found out I was pregnant with you on the day of a full moon.Before I realized you were with me, I had done my usual ritual oftaking a guidance card for the day. It said upon it 'Full Moon – Completion',the card spoke in fancy terms of gestation,something brewing, coming to fruition. I didn't know it was you.And that of course is not even the beginning, it never is.

We planned you in a relaxed kind of way. Your Dad and I, wenever plan anything properly. We don't make lists or draw uplaborious maps of our life. We make up our minds and thenthings happen. We are haphazard, blundering perhaps, but so farour blunders tend to turn to gold. We married in Vegas after eightyears, and after ten years we decided to have a go and see if youwanted to come along. On our first month of an open invite, youaccepted. I feel very honored that you were so quick to respond.

As for the other events that precipitated your arrival, well thisis where you find out what a soppy hippy your Mom is. Firstly, Ifelt you implant in me. I was driving to see your Great GrandmaGrist for her 90th Birthday and I experienced what seemed like apencil drawing something deep inside me. I am sure this was yousettling yourself in. I asked my angels and guides for a sign, andat that moment, a car went by with a sign on the window thatsaid 'little person on board'. What could I do, I smiled!

Later that night the cause of my hippy ways, your PaganGrandpa Tony and I, were reading our tarot cards and quiteclearly you were there. Up came the image of a little tiny baby,nestled in an egg, and held carefully in a Woman's arms. Thisdeeply meaningful card glared up from the table right into myheart. The card was The Moon, it seems you are my little ray ofLuna Light. The synchronicities thus far suggest loudly to methat you and me, my little love, are meant to be. I know alreadythat you are the biggest piece of my soulful and personal growth,and come hell or high water, I will do my best.

Before I had even had a pregnancy test we had chosen yourname. In giving you a name, I guessed that you were inside me.But I didn't want to admit it for fear I was wrong. I pondered onthe thought that maybe this baby naming game was part of somecruel self-inflicted fantasy. Your Dad and I had literally only juststarted trying to get pregnant. But something felt different. I wasaverse to making plans for my birthday – which is so very unlikeme! I knew that there was a very good chance I would not becelebrating with champagne. I avoided the gym too – perhapsnot so unusual - but I had a feeling that jumping about andgetting sweaty was not what my body needed right now. So Iobeyed these inner instincts. Already you have me diggingdeeper. Listening to my intuition more than ever.

The following weekend I attended my first class of a spiritualbased therapy course that I had signed up to for the next tenmonths. I knew when I signed up to this course that it mightcoincide with you. Whilst this might be a problem in terms ofattendance in my late stages of pregnancy, it feels right. I am surethat what I learn here is preparing some foundations, helping mefirm up how I see the world, putting it into a context that willsuit us.

On this course I went on a Shamanic Journey – a spiritualmeditation type adventure - to meet my guiding power animals.So to the beat of a drum, I let my mind voyage past imaginationand into a place where things apparently started to happen oftheir own accord. In this inner vision, I met my animal and hetook me to a man. A man I believe was you, or your guide. Eitherway he was linked to my future child, that much I was certain of.He too had an animal. Our animals lit up the jungle with loudroars and as I recognized a miracle I felt your spirit move intome. This was undeniable and powerful. I couldn't speak for awhile after. I was dumbstruck, choking on emotion and it wasbeautiful. You are beautiful. I know your spirit is with me now.

The night of meeting you in the shamanic journey, I took youto a cage fight. The least appropriate place for an unborn child,but still, life is life and people fight in cages. So what. Live and letlive. Your Dad's friend was in his first fight, and the atmospherewas brutally male. Sadly our guy lost, but he's a fighter, muchlike you will be I am sure. Someone who will always take life'sblows and come back wiser, confident, stronger, with an innerfaith in your abilities.

The next day, feeling very bloated and as though my periodwas due, I decided to do the test to see if I was pregnant. I wasscared that I was living out of my imagination, and didn't wantto be dreadfully disappointed when my period came. But ofcourse, two tests later and I was as red as a beetroot, on the phoneto your Dad, telling him that I was pregnant. I then had thelongest phone call in my life to a client about something or other,before I could get off and tell our friends and family. Two moretests later and you are very much confirmed.

We are all very excited, all your new family. Your Dad and meare transformed already. He even put the pizza in the oven lastnight. He burnt it, but he put it in the oven. Trust me, this is a jawdropping change. As I type he is making himself a baconsandwich, I am amazed at his newfound ability to prepare foodwithout resorting to the microwave.

Daddy warns me not to feign symptoms or to become ahelpless pregnant wreck, but if I try to do something for myselfhe rushes to my side and takes over. He has been kissing my headan awful lot. I love it, but I think deep down he is really kissingyou. We just got back from the doctors and even though they talkin fearful terms of what to do, what not to do, serious tests, I havea quiet faith that all will be well.

I hope you don't mind me writing to you, and about you. Thelast thing I had to say in my previous book was I'm spiritual,what next? Now I have a more important question, I'm pregnant;this trumps everything, what next now? I want to give you thebest and handle this in the most soulful way a person possiblycan. I won't ask you to be like me, but I will feed your soul inevery way I can. The next eight months is an adventure of all ofthat. A big mish mash amalgamation of bodily matters, spiritualconcerns, physical craziness, and a whole lot of love.

I'll be really honest now. I know nothing about what comesnext. Right now you are the size of a poppyseed and I can still fitin my skinny jeans. The only thing I do know is, that you areloved unconditionally now and forevermore.Love, from your Mum

* * *

So it seems I'm Pregnant ...

I am four weeks pregnant but to my actual official knowledgeit's only been a week. In spite of this, I have suffered backachepretty much since conception, so I had an inkling ...

Apparently, the next two months represent the mostdangerous time of pregnancy. And so everything changes.Overnight. It's not only the danger that forces change. It's thehope, the joy, the excitement, the sudden desire to put myselffirst, but only because there is a little teensy weensy babygrowing inside me.

Within seconds my relationship to everything has vastlyaltered. My marriage has apparently become deeply more significant.There is love beyond love, and all those little nigglyarguments, well, they have vanished (more or less and of courseI'll keep you updated). Friendships seem different as my socializingoptions instantly minimize. Some people want to talk baby,some don't. Both options are fine. More often than not, I have nochoice. I try to talk book, and people talk baby back. I give up.This is all about the baby, a language I am only just learning tospeak. Please let's not get so far as nappies yet. I'm still copingwith immediately expanding boobs and random exhaustion.Conversations and thoughts of nappies, vaginal stitches andbladder weakness can all wait.

My understanding of biology is broadening as I set foot on theinitial weeks of baby development. Who knew all the tinymiracles that occur everyday to make up the miracle that is myfirst child? There is already a strain on myself as I aim to do mybest, but constantly feel I could be doing more ... I should nothave eaten those crisps ... so make vegetable soup to compensate.I'm chasing my tail, and my tailbone is actually aching as mybody adapts to the pains of growing a little one.

Something that really interests me, and the partial reason forthis diary, is the spiritual and personal changes that I presumewill occur in my life. I say 'presume' because for the past fewyears I have been indulging in my own spiritual path, wallowingin it, bathing in it, and loving it. I have tried to be soulfulnesspersonified. I am happy to report that because of these efforts Ihave become a better person. I'm not blowing my own trumpet,it's true. Nor am I perfect, but I am better. I'm happier and sanerthan I was several years ago. A spiritual path has been like amassive dose of therapeutic self-help.

So now that I have contentedly found myself, what will thistrip of pregnancy and parenthood bring to my life? Will it besoulful, or am I headed onto a wholly more physical planewhereby all that matters is what I can see and wrap my armsaround?

I spoke strongly in my last book, The High Heeled Guide toSpiritual Living, that all things are spiritual, and so I believe thatthis pregnancy, this giving of life, this giving of myself to anotherperson, is as spiritual as it gets. If indeed this parent-to-be tripdoes turn out to be deeply soulful, will that be because of anexpanding waistline or inspite of it? I'm thinking, in this earlystage that it may be because of it. If I can embrace all thatpregnancy brings, the gritty, earthy, primal nature of it, thenmaybe I will have found all I will ever need. And until I shave myhead and move to Nepal, this could be as spiritual as it ever gets.Whilst child abandonment may have been good enough for theBuddha (who left his wife and child to pursue enlightenment) it'sa step too far for little old me. So with total abandon, I embracewhatever happens next.

I'm intrigued to see how I might combine my soulful inclinationswith the very biological inclinations of pregnancy? Wellhappily, I have come to terms with the fact that human life is themost important thing we have on our plates right now. We arenot here to float off into some divine mist, not yet. We are notabove and beyond the carnal, the physical, the fights and thefailures.

And so, as I head into the world of parenting, allowing thosevery human based activities to take centre stage. Which is a goodjob because several days into this pregnancy and before I knew Iwas 'up the duff', I went out and got horribly drunk (I blame theover generous barman). Not a great start. But, a good lesson inself-forgiveness. I'm on the fruit, veggies and pure water fromnow on of course. As a soulful human, and as a future parent, Isuspect I need to occasionally let myself off the hook.

You know that thing spiritual types talk about, giving over,releasing, allowing life to happen, living in the moment, beinggrateful, and focusing the mind. Well I have a feeling thatpregnancy will pretty much force me to embrace those conceptsfar more deeply than I previously knew possible. How can youknow how to release until another being inhabits and takes overyour body? How can you be grateful until you realize the joy ofripping yourself open in labor, potentially undergoing mad pain,but yet being ridiculously happy to see the tiny little person whohas caused you all that agony?

On paper, pregnancy, childbirth and what comes after, seemsto me to be the most soulful undertaking a person can undertake.Lucky for us Women that we have the option! Though I'm sureour partners would argue that they too go through a grittyspiritual mill in supporting us, holding our hands, watching ustorn asunder with aches and pains, and that they too find someenlightenment at the end of the deep dark birth canal.

Writing this, I have happily convinced myself. Pregnancy andall that comes after is one sure way to taste a little enlightenment.It's one simple way to find yourself, forget yourself and rise fromthe ashes anew. It is one way to taste your soul. I may be wrong.I may be right. I may learn something else altogether. Luckily Ihave eight months ahead to figure this one out. This is the biggestadventure I've ever undertaken and I have a feeling it could leadanywhere.

* * *

24th September 2011

It's my birthday! I am a big time birthday girl. I normally harp onabout what to do, where to go or what I want for several weeks,nay, months, beforehand. But my birthday only showed up onmy mental radar when James started to make mysterious phonescalls and come downstairs all giddy saying he's organizedsomething amazing for me. Here I am, on my birthday, writingthis diary. Above all other things this pregnancy now takes precedence.Birthdays come and go, but right now there is only onebirth day I'm interested in. Who needs gifts when I have that tolook forward to! Though of course gifts are appreciated too, andI couldn't guarantee total emotional stability should I not receiveany. Such a contradictory thing I am right now!

These past two weeks have been so incredible. Once theromantic pregnancy bubble lifted a little, and life went back tobusiness as usual, the incredible-ness has remained. So whateverirks me or yanks my chain, I am safe in the knowledge that a littlesomething special is going on, and no grumpy colleague, ortraffic jam, or afternoon morning sickness can touch it.

It's occurred to me in the past few days how very, very earlydays this pregnancy is. There have been a couple of momentswhere I have kidded myself that my being bloated from too muchbread, was in fact a growing bump. But following a good nightssleep, said bump has vanished and I am left again with my sameold, almost (but never quite been) flat stomach.

There is a certain fear instilled to the early days of pregnancy.I know it's a risky time, but it's hardly base-jumping is it? Thatsaid I know people who have lost babies in the early days. Iknow that horrendous shit can happen, it happens all happensall the time to people who don't deserve it. But this dwelling onfear, on the first twelve weeks as being vital, is oppressive. I havestarted to dread going to the toilet. Every little twinge isamplified as I half expect to find that I just got my period lateand my body has decided I'm not pregnant anymore. Just now Iwas taking a moderately warm bath, when all of a sudden Iawoke from my rested state, jumped out of the bath pronto andwent to cool down. All because I had read something worryingabout raising the body temperature in saunas, which nowremembered, sent me into a dither.

As this is my first baby, I have the luxury of being careful withmyself. But what about all those second time mommas who runaround after their first child for the first twelve weeks, and stillmanage to have reasonable pregnancies with healthy babies?What about all those Moms who drink and smoke and eat junkfood and have reasonable pregnancies and give birth to healthybabies? Moreover, what about all those crack addicts, who drinktoo much, sleep rough and sell their bodies, who go on to to havereasonable pregnancies and healthy babies. It does happen. Lifeis funny like that. Just as there is always the perfect momma whodoes everything by the book and suffers miscarriage aftermiscarriage.

Life has a dark and twisted sense of humor. We get what weare given, and we do with it as we can. We can choose tostructure our lives, and Vesuvius can then rain down on ourheads. The only luxury we have at the end of all this is a littlepositive thinking. So that, is what I intend to indulge. Quitefrankly life is a dangerous game, pregnant or otherwise andhappy thoughts are one fabulous way to cope with whateverhurtles our way. If I am very lucky, as can also happen, thenhappy thoughts can come true.
(Continues...)Excerpted from Dear Poppyseed by Alice Grist. Copyright © 2012 Alice Grist. Excerpted by permission of John Hunt Publishing Ltd..
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