Flourishing Together

Guide to Appreciative Inquiry Coaching

John Hunt Publishing Ltd.

Contents

Opening the door

Accompanying a person in the discovery of themselves, in resolving their crossroads or dispelling their clouds, is both a fascinating task and a big responsibility. In each encounter I continue to be surprised at the great mystery that we are as human beings. In the realms of our being there are many things, much of them unnecessary, such as noise and heavy baggage, incrusted experiences that are difficult to get rid of, but we also find a great capacity for imagination and creativity, and surprisingly, everything that we are looking for and that we need is there. It remains hidden by emotions and dramatic, almost histrionic thoughts, locked up by our fears and doubts. It is so near, less than a millimetre away and requiring less than a second to reach it. However, we travel miles in search of it and years pass until we manage to prise open the door even a tiny way to where the treasure we long for resides.

Day after day I ask myself – What, then, is my responsibility as a coach, as a person who offers herself to accompany you on your search, on your journey through life? As I go forwards, my listening becomes more open and more subtle. From my inner silence, I connect with what the other asks of me, or rather with what they are asking of themselves. In that space of active and silent listening, a question emerges. It is always appreciative. My experience has shown me, over and over again, that, to open the doors of our inner realms and go into them, we should connect to our strengths, trust and be brave. To do so, it is essential to be appreciative. An appreciative question opens you up gently so that you can see without getting blocked or overwhelmed.

Appreciating, you value, you recognise, you enhance the beauty of the other. Your appreciative presence empowers their self-confidence, opening them up to you and themselves. They open up in order to see and become aware of their self-created monsters which are like paper tigers. With just a match, they can burn them away if so desired, if the courage can be found. They open up to enter silently into themselves and listen. Then we listen together. Together we create a new reality that arises out of feeling ourselves and a generative conversation. Generative, because it generates a different state to the one we had before beginning the conversation. Generative, since it leads us to other spaces where the reality that we create is kind and helps us to go forward.

In coaching I accompany the person to go down the paths that take them within. Perhaps the person is looking to improve a relationship, change jobs or be successful in their endeavour, be it to do with work or personal. On holding a first conversation on what the main topic of the coaching sessions will be, we begin to remove layers of objectives that take them back outside of themselves. We glimpse that the subject to be dealt with covers their life, yes, their work, yes, but above all it covers their heart and mind; in sum, their soul and their relational being, which is fruit of the relationships that they have had and still have.

To accompany you in going more deeply into your soul, if I am not appreciative, I can bring on unnecessary suffering. Forcing it with questions that are more like a blow than a springboard, I can enable you to open the doors of your inner realms, but I won't have connected you to the passion for the mystery that lies within you; rather to the fears dwelling in the Pandora's box that might open or is already open.

Being appreciative does not mean that I only focus on the positive and on your strengths, but rather that I value your vulnerability as an opportunity, welcome your suffering as a path to go down in order to free you from that which no longer nourishes you, and listen to your doubts and your questions so that they can become the keys which will open your inner realms. Let us look at those paths that lead us there.

Paths within

We are very taken up with searching outside of ourselves.

We are overstimulated and we depend on being so in order to feel emotions. We live a lot in the mind. We have even left our hearts in order to take up residence in the mind. On making the mind our home, we stay busy by filling it with worries, anxiety, frustrations, upsets and endless thoughts that stir us up and make us act in a different way than we might wish to. Thus, we bury our true heart, the heart of the soul. And in this act of burying we forget. We forget the resources that lie within us. Let us remember them in order to leave behind the meaningless void that so much distraction and noise leaves us in.

Let us remember wisely. One of the keys to transformation is knowing how to forget and how to remember. With remembering we return to our essence, we bring back the memory of our essential being. The capacity to forget and to remember is an extraordinary faculty that we have. If we know how to use it, we will achieve wholeness. Don't forget what you have to remember. Don't remember what you should forget.

To feel complete, it would help you to stop looking outside for what is already within you. You were born with it but you were probably never taught to look inside yourself, and you have spent your life searching on the outside. This brought about misencounters on the path, disappointment and constant dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction arises from an inner emptiness that you want to fill. But when you are like a bucket with holes in it, it doesn't matter how much water you pour in, the bucket never fills. You run after the desires brought about by this deep dissatisfaction and you stop being present. You are trying to achieve something; when you do, it dissolves in moments like sugar in the mouth. And the dissatisfaction seems impossible to overcome.

To stop being the puppets of our desires, appreciative inquiry proposes that we connect to our essential desire. Knowing what you want helps you to align your energies; that way you manifest the power of a clear intention. Everything we do is propelled by an intention and motivation. It might have as an end the mere fact of satisfying a need, a desire or an addiction, or it might be to achieve a more intangible aim or wish. It is an essential desire because it is aligned with revitalizing and living from your positive core.

The essence: the positive core

When we accompany people appreciatively, and in appreciative coaching, we awaken the memory, remembering moments that made us vibrate from the depths of our being, and connected us to what in appreciative inquiry we call the positive core. It is about remembering what moves us, discovering it again and feeling it, to thus awaken our deepest dreams and live them. That awakening is a flourishing, an opening to being the best version of oneself and the best version of relationships.

What we long for, what we most seek, lies within us. In our inner space, a core beats that is full of life and of virtues. The positive core is the vital centre of our person; it is what makes us vibrate with enthusiasm and the happiness of living, opening us to our full potential. It contains our essence. The positive core includes our competences, skills, talents and our best achievements and practices, our strengths, unexplored potential and our values. It is a core that grows and flowers; it expands and finds meaning in relationships, in giving oneself and sharing. If one keeps it for oneself, it withers.

Metaphorically, we could say that the positive core is the seed that becomes the sap that gives life to all living systems; it is the blood that circulates round the body of the system of our relationships and interactions. With appreciative inquiry we detect what forms part of the sap, the blood, and nourishes our organs, giving us life and nourishing us.

With the conversations that we hold in coaching, we strengthen the heart that pumps the blood and the organs that clean it. In this way, we revitalize the whole relational system of the person, achieving health and exalting what gives them life. In appreciative coaching sessions, we seek to connect to the positive core, reinforcing it, exalting it and extending it. Even if you don't have coaching, I recommend that you live focused on your essence and on making it flourish, on creating conversations that connect to the essence of other people and the essence of relationship, and on keeping alive the positive core that gives meaning to your relationships.

The positive core is identified in different ways. For example, with appreciative questions we can inquire in order to find it and connect to it. We can also follow a sequence of phases that I will explain further on, but which in essence consist of identifying the positive core through Defining what we want to work on and where we want to go towards, and Discovering the strengths we have that will support us on the journey; we do this by setting up a dialogue between the person and their relational system. The core is expanded in the Dreams phase, when we generate a clear vision, aimed at results relating to the discovered potential that the person wants to manifest more of in their daily life. In the phases of Design and Destiny, a present is constructed, based on proposals that we design. With these we seek to come close to and live the future that we want, based on the strengths of the positive core of the person and of their relational system, that is, their family, friends, business partners, the necessary people in their lives.

Live changes building bridges

In order to build a bridge between that which was, that which is, and that which is what we wish it to be, we should take into account the continuity of what we want to keep, what we need to innovate and the transition necessary to cross the bridge and get to where we want. And we cannot do it alone; we need each other.

To cross that bridge, apply the necessary changes and achieve what we want by remaining connected to the positive core, be it in our organisation, our team, family or in ourselves, we should bear three aspects in mind that give us life and keep us in good shape: continuity, innovation and transition. With vision we learn and apply the lessons of the best of the past (continuity), we open ourselves to allow creative ideas to flourish and develop (innovation), and we change our relationship systems and behaviour, holding the necessary conversations that will take us forward towards the desired situation (transition). We will see how to incorporate these three dimensions when I look at the different phases in appreciative coaching, in Part III of this book.

Living means being confronted with often destabilizing changes. Possibly, to prevent those, we will cling on to the intellectual discourse of a mind that needs to understand everything, analyse it, question it, justify it, reason it, conceptualize it, see it and touch it. In the end, your heart stops feeling, blocked by so much analysis and reasoning. These people find it hard to transcend conceptualization. They seek security in concepts. And when change causes them to feel insecure they can fall into the trap of wanting to cling on to any discourse, or else they become cynical and sceptical. They stop being open to other points of view, and in that state it is difficult to innovate and go through the necessary transition.

Other people might find their security and sense of identity not in the mind or intellect, but rather in their habits. They react automatically, almost without thinking or reasoning. Habits rule their lives. The past carries such weight that they live situations and relationships according to the habits acquired along the way. These people are trapped in the prison of their past. Their heart stops enjoying life, as they already live the present in function of the past. Their personal history has such a weight that they stop living in the present, feel afflicted and remain hungry for the oxygen of love. They close into themselves and stop relating freely to themselves and others.

To reside in the heart of being and live life from that central space is to live awakened, and aware of the reality that we are the creators of our thoughts, our beliefs, our reasoning and our habits, which are often culturally and socially conditioned. We can follow them and live accordingly or instead we can challenge them, question them, reinvent them, and reconstruct them in a different way. The important thing is to be aware of our choice. And, therefore, not to complain that "this is what we are like", but rather to take our choice on board and change if we feel like it. There are many perspectives according to which we can live a reality, a relationship and a moment. We can choose to live mindfully and heartfully, with full awareness and to live fully connected, not only to connect from ideas, from the mind, but also from the heart. To live in full awareness is to feel life. It is to live with the awareness of an awakened heart, a subject that I developed in La gran liberación, heartfulness y mindfulness [The Great Liberation, Heartfulness and Mindfulness] (2014).

The art of living changes by building bridges requires balance. It is about finding the balance and not going to extremes. About living with feeling, connected to yourself, to God, to your body, to others, to nature and to time, but not losing sight of your dream or the horizons you are walking towards, or want to walk towards. Not giving up on your dream, flowing with the moment, nor getting stuck to your rational plan and no longer flowing.

What star guides you?

From our consciousness, our being, we can direct our mind, our intellect and our habits. Rooted in our positive core, our life flourishes and, with each step we take, we are inspired and we inspire. So that, instead of being shipwreck survivors drifting depending on the currents, the winds and the waves, we can take the helm of our life and direct it towards the star that we want to guide us. In appreciative coaching we look to find out what that star or constellation is, and how we want to steer our boat, taking into account the other crew members, if there are any, and the conditions of our relational system that cause waves and tides.

Steering our own boat requires us to be aware of our faculties, such as those of the mind to think with, imagine, dream, desire, project and remember; those of the intellect to analyse, reason, discern and decide; and those of the archives of the memory, where we find memories, lived experiences and the images that we have created from what we have lived, our habits and conditionings. Appreciative coaching makes it easier for our mind to think more positively, to connect to the power of our imagination and to visualise the possibility of our dreams. So that we use our faculties, mind, intellect and memory to live in our positive core.

To think positively is not to deny reality, but rather to be capable of seeing problems and having the mental creativity to find solutions without getting obsessed or blinded by something. Positive thoughts strengthen and revitalize the mind. They are usually thoughts based on our values and on appreciating and being grateful for what we are and what we have.

With appreciative coaching, our intellect increases our capacity to analyse and reason from our strengths, to discern from an appreciative position, and to make decisions out of our connection to our positive core. We resort to the archives of our memory in order to remember the positive, what has given us something good, peak experiences we have had, be they of overcoming things, success, or personal power, in order to strengthen the beliefs that help us to flourish as human beings and to banish habits that diminish us. That way, we contribute to creating and strengthening habits that make us into better people and help us to bring the best of ourselves to the world. Making a contribution, we feel useful, a feeling that we need to nurture. Feeling useful makes it worth living, or, in appreciative terms, 'makes it worth the joy of living'.

Residing in your being

Residing in one's being is to live with full awareness, heartful. A heartful person lives with their heart awake. They live with joy and vitality, without anguish or anxiety. They are open and generous. To be heartful is to have a big heart that shares and radiates the best of itself and of that which is outside of itself. It is connected to the supreme force of love, compassion and peace, and it irradiates them. It is an innocent and contented heart. It is clean and honest.

Heartful is a compassionate heart. It is attentive, considerate to the presence of the other; it recognises and sees the other. Each of its words, thoughts and actions can make a miracle happen. A word can open a door to opportunity; a thought can transform a tense atmosphere into one of respect; an action can save a life. A compassionate heart loves out of understanding, forgives and does not stay bitter. It lets go of the past and is grateful to the present. It is strong so as to take on suffering and to live fully the path that heals it. It is a heart that lives in gratitude.